Sunday, February 12, 2017

Once in our lives

Music: Code Blue. by: The Dream.

Two years. Two years have just flown by. Babies have come. I moved out of my parents home.....But that's not why I'm writing. I'm starting to believe those who say you only get one soulmate in life....The first time I spoke to mine, it was like someone, somewhere just knew. Just knew I needed this person in my life. I don't really talk religion much, but heaven had a plan that day. This person changed the way I saw things. I believe that only twice in our lives we experience pain that nothing can prepare you for. The pain of when someone dies and the pain of when the one you love decides to move on....I'll leave you guess which one I'm going though. It's bone shaking pain. A pain that has permanently made a mark on my soul. Don't eat, don't sleep pain. It's ridiculous I know. To let someone change how you live your life so much. I'm well aware of how crazy I sound. All the offers I've gotten from guy's are meaningless to me. I don't want anyone else in my life. None of them compare....whoever see's or reads this, thanks for reading my feelings.

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Saturday, February 14, 2015

One last night.....

Music:  "One Last Night" by Vaults

You know in romantic movies how the main couple break up and the girl wants some grand apology from the boy, telling her he misses her etc? What if that apology were real? When that one boy you care so deeply for, and could even see a future with says he misses you, what do you do? When the night he held you and said he was happy just like this, with you in his arms, what do you say? There are very few do over's in life. So do you choose to use what may be the only one you'll ever get, on one single perfect night? The temptation is real, when you hear his laugh, see him smile, feel his touch.....Would you risk it all again for one last night?

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Thursday, January 8, 2015


Music:  "Flawed Roses" playlist.

Hello night owls, the title of this post says it all I think. Today I saw a show called Living Different and the episode featured a model who's name is Rain Dove. She was so inspiring to me. She doesn't label herself as a lesbian or straight. She loves everyone. And to top it off is gorgeous :) It took me a long time to own who I am and what I have. It turns out if a friendship turns ugly something beautiful can come out if it. When I parted ways with a long time friend it taught me to fight for myself, for who I am. Over time in the friendship I felt small, worthless, but most of all tired. Tired from trying to keep something going that dimmed the light until it was just black nothingness. But when I realized what I wanted for myself the light was there again, I honestly thought I wouldn't make it through the pain and emptiness I felt when the friendship was seventeen years worth of laughter, fights, stories, tears, you name it we felt it and did it. I spent two years grieving....and to this day I miss the love we had for each other. But I had to fight for a life of my own. My point to all this is that, you should always strive to be YOU. Listen to what your heart, mind, body, whatever it may be that tells you to FIGHT. I have my moments, I mean that's why I started this blog, but I love who I am today. I understand myself as a person, as a woman, as a human. Life isn't easy, but learning to love yourself is kind of awesome ;) 

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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

My year in 2014.....

Music: Spotify playlist "Thinking & wishing"

Surprisingly this is the first year in a long time that I've felt the year flew by. So here it go's, my year in a nutshell. I think this year really began for me in early March, I finally decided to go after love. Aka started this crazy roller coaster of online dating, since sadly I don't get many chances in the "Real world" to meet guys. Then somewhere in the middle of this ride I met someone, I thought "Wow, someone is finally willing to talk to me, and he's male!" In the following weeks we "talked" (texted) nearly everyday, and I began to feel beautiful for the first time in a way I'd never known. Finally in mid April I had my first date (ever, at 21 :P) I was a little in shock honestly that this was real, I was going on a real live honest to god date. Me. The girl who just the year before hated everything about herself and the life she had. My sister and I had the experience of bonding while she did my hair and makeup (a memory I'll treasure forever) And we pondered over whether or not he'd really kiss me (Use tongue. Sorry mom) She also wiggled her way into coming to the same place where our date was....Not her finest moment. His smile was infectious, it made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world to know he was with me. He was mine. I'd never been good around the few guys I'd met in my life before then, so I was thrilled at how I was able to laugh etc being with him. I then got what was my first kiss at the end of the evening. It was a really bad first kiss, I mean bad, and to tell you the truth it didn't really get better during the month we were together. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't crying writing the first part of this post. I look back on my time with him with only little good memories, I say that because the night it all ended was not the worst moment in my life, but the worst night of my life. It was/is a breakup I never wish for anyone. I still think the pieces of my heart that night are scattered outside my house. In between the months I spent grieving, I'd talk to a few guys only to have them lead to a dead end. The came my second date, which also didn't lead anywhere but was a really lovely date. And behind door number tree is the 3rd guy to ask me out and the second guy to ever kiss me. It was as Taylor Swift might say a magical night (No, really) He treated me so well and was a damn good kisser lol, so I now count that one as my first "real" kiss. It ended in a hard loss, but I manged to move slowly onward from it. And now a little more recent was the fourth guy in my life who was what I thought would be the end of dating for me for awhile. Now that, that one stung at the end. Oh yeah, somewhere in there I became a writer and my depression lessened some :) And in this year I grew even closer to my best friend whom without I'd honestly not have been able to get through all this. Thank you so much! And the best thing about this year has been seeing my family grow and thrive to the fullest it ever has. I've never been happier to be apart of it. If you made it through what might be my longest post to date? Then even though it may seem like it's all about my love life, know that it's not. It's about me living my life for the first time this year....In hopes of coming out better on the other side of it.

In 2015 keep reading,

"You can’t water down the truth and when you do, it loses all its power.
I hope that, at the end of this year, you realize how the hard times made you. I hope for you that you allowed those times to make you better. I would bet that you’re better. " - Hayley Williams.

Friday, November 28, 2014


Music: Spotify mix

So, here's where my head is at right now, I can't say my will power is completely gone, but it's not as strong as it once was. I'm not saying I can or want to go out and do whatever the hell I want, but lately I've just been tired. Tired of being twenty two and having never lived. I remember all to well what it's like to be closed off and alone. I'm still in that place. But I want to be risky, I want to feel what it's like to act my age, to breathe. I never feel as though I breathe deeply anymore, like something is just keeping the breathe inside my lungs. I'm probably setting myself up for years worth of therapy, but I want to just let go for awhile....see what might be.

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Monday, November 24, 2014

Faith, doubt, self worth, and love.....

Music:  "I Hate To See Your Heart Break" Paramore ft: Joy Williams/ "The Heart Wants What It Wants" Selena Gomez

It's a funny thing, when you've spent your life knowing that at any given moment the "other foot" will drop. But years later the way the foot drops I never see coming.....I wonder if we ever get to a place where we stop questioning our self worth? "The beds gettin cold and your not here." I need to start looking for someone who makes good armor, my heart could use an upgrade.

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Thursday, November 13, 2014

Six months wiser......

Music: "Clean" Taylor Swift, "1989"

Six months ago, my life blossomed. Six months ago I learned to fight for what I want. Six months ago someone saw me. Six months ago I felt what it was like to be a "teenager." Six months ago I learned what it was like to live. Six months ago you walked into my world. Six months ago you walked out of it. This is a post about a girl who, six months ago didn't understand what it really meant to feel. "Please. Don't flatter yourself, your not the only one this heart has ever felt." You branded my skin. Forever with me. But your ghost is less haunting now, only whispers are left for me to feel. I still revisit that night. And it still kills me inside. But when I fought, I felt free. It feels good to know that I did, somehow make you see what you were losing. If I saw you today, what would I say? Do you regret it? Did I burn your skin too? What was it worth to you? So many questions, but if I saw you today?.....I can say that I cloud walk past you without a second glance. I'm not the same girl as when you last saw me. Shes wiser now, understands what she wants.....and that isn't you.

"Ten months sober I must admit, just because your clean don't mean you don't miss it."

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