Saturday, December 31, 2011

2012

Hey ya'll, it's T -three hours left of the year 2011! AHH SCARY! (No, the world is NOT ending) Only because I remember being about seven or so in my old house watching my very first New Years Eve ball drop. I rang in the year 200! Twelve years ago people! I could barely stay up lol My family thing to do for years was to eat a ton of junk food, but now I'm older and don't eat as much. And sadly my love life is still a no go. I'm HOPING that changes in this new year that I'm blessed to live. Many changes are in the air can you feel them?

Anyway, be SAFE!

love to all.
Jess.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Something to deal with

I should be sleeping sense I have to be up at 8am  (Thanks mom) but my feelings say otherwise, what else is new? Lately I feel like the vibes of the universe are screaming "We're busy leave!" Had a one for the books "Teen Day" as a Gilmore Girl once said, I have these meltdowns about being Handi-Capable sometimes and one of those days happened today, Felt like a big baby/brat I can never tell anyone in the moment though that that's the reason why I get moody sometimes, for some odd reason it's humiliating to admit to just say the words "I hate that I can't walk" to my mom for the first real time. And it was really hard because I'm not as bad off as my sister was or any other kid that needs a little more help I've met in my life
but,  damn it! it's a hard thing sometimes. 

Keep reading
Jess.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas vol 2

Music: She & Him. Song: "I'll be home for Christmas"

Hello everyone out in cyberspace, home from the family gathering we have every Christmas eve and I'm BEAT! to put it in a ladylike way. Gifts were given, laughs and tears were had, Food was consumed, and a good time was had by all! I have not been in a mood for any sort of Holiday fun in awhile due to being sick for three months now, so it was a nice change tonight. For "Secret Santa" this year I had my new sister in law and  I out did myself thanks to some help from my mom and brother craft wise. Mom and I sorted through old photos of my siblings to give out, so many good things my family has taken through photos. And last weekend I met my soon to be "New" step family it was like They'd been with me forever.

it's late now, so I will say Marry Christmas!

Keep reading,
Jess.
 

Monday, December 5, 2011

Dealing

Music: "In The mourning" "Paramore"

"It takes all my strength not to dig you up from the ground in which you lay, The biggest part of me you were the greatest thing and now your just a memory to let go of"- Paramore.

Seemed like a good quote to start this post off this evening/Morning wherever you may be reading this, your take on this lyric/quote can be whatever you need at the at this time. Mine however is a whole messed load of things. So let me see if I can sift through my brain to write about one, letting go of someone's life struggles for one. Something I've said I think I feel a lot of in my life I've been sick for sometime with some sort of bug for awhile so I've had a lot more time to be in my head (Not always a good thing) so I've just been in this long period of feeling pretty mentally deep when in reality I am probably coming off as a complete weirdo. Even writing this I feel that way. well like I've said this helps me somewhat sort out the craziness in my life.

Keep reading, 
Jess.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Cold

Music: "Cold" "Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz" (Breaking Dawn Soundtrack)

"Run little girl for your dreams are what hang in the balance. Or is it your life you value more? For these are
things we cannot have both of. We give love to make life, but when do we find time to love life? Breathing just to breath one more time. Feeling to know we still can. Those who tell you they are not waiting to see something other then themselves lie, when secretly they so desperately hope to see someone they know looking back at them. And those who know they will, fear they won't. Fear is what drives the mind."

I was inspired tonight just sitting in bed on the 5th day of having an awful cold (So this might not make any sense? take what you will of it) to write what was coming into my head as soon as I put this song on and this is what came of it.

Keep reading,
Jess.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Dazed And Confused

Music: "The Wreckers" "Leave the pieces"

Class is in session ladies and gents, sorry for my lack of "Real" writing the last few times I've
written. So many emotions are going on in me right now. I'm one who dose not deal with things well. And
when everything comes to ahead I tended to go off the grid for awhile, the term "Daddy issues"
we hear on TV or in film doesn't even describe the things my father and I go through. We've constantly gone between loving and being god awful to one another sense I was 13 (Yes most teens go though this) But add divorce into the mix it and it becomes 100% more chaotic. I'll spare you the gory details that have gone on the last few years and for the past week and a half or so but I wanted to say how it really makes you grow up a lot faster and makes you see how your friends and loved one's see you and vise vrsa. For one thing I love my brother John (who I wrote about a few months back) Very much! me being the baby of my family and a girl I get teased a lot and am not super close with my bothers but when one of them see's I need my brother I'm beyond grateful! So having talked with him about some of this is a big thing to me. I guess my point is tell your Mother and Father who are still together and those who are not but are still thinking of the kids thank you for still thinking of them.

Keep reading,
 Jess.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Madness in the light.

Just a small post to you tonight/today. It's a really trying time for me in my life right now and yet also a really magical time as well, being that two wonderful friends of mine married this past weekend and my sister and her boyfriend are also getting married one day :) But when it is either a very hard or wonderful time in any of my family live's along with myself I put this song on.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2SfmcNg8js


Keep reading,
Jess.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Jaimie.

Music: "Vanessa Carlton" Song: "Annie"

For sisters, For Twins, For Jaimie.

Hi all, I'm at it again with my late night blogging, but this time with a subject! be proud.
The idea to write this blog popped in my head last night as I was laying in bed listening to my music trying
to sleep and the song I'm writing to now came on. This song for years ever sense I first heard it made
me think of my baby and twin sister Jaimie who passed about two months after we were born. And given
Our birthday is at the end of the month she's been on my mind, is it strange that I sometimes feel I see things
the way she would've through her eyes if she were here? I never had the wonderful blessing of growing up with her, so that made it hard growing up when my older sister and I would fight. I didn't have someone else to talk with that really understood, I had good friends yes, but there is something about being a twin. My Dad was also a twin but he passed when I was a baby, and when my dad would tell me about his brother there would be such a spark in his eyes. A lot like when I hear stories of Jamie and I that my older siblings tell me about her and I when we we're little, I heard one night when my big brother lived with my mom and I that the night our sister passed he had a dream that he got to see her grown up. To this day it is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard him talk about. And it may seem strange that I miss her so strongly when she lived for such a short time, but with everyday I wish so badly she could live what I've lived. Other then photos and the stories of us I only know when we were babies we slept in a tight little ball. I still sleep that way.

Keep reading,
Jess.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Late night mindless bliss....

Music: "Pandora mix"

It's 11:04pm as I start to write yet another mindless blog to whomever wants to read it,
in the pitch black of my room with nothing but myself, Music, and a computer. it's So peaceful when my mind stops to let me breath or I should say when I stop to let myself breath, and not feel other people's pain and woes. I truly think I was emphatic or something of that nature in a past life. It blows my mind how sometimes I never feel my own pain and yet I can  feel everyone else's pain around me. I ask god a lot if this what he wanted me to be like? I always felt such a strong pull to try to guide anyone I can to do good and I get made fun of sometimes and have lost some in trying to do so "I'm taken all the doctor's med's, I'm still freakin out" "Paranoid" By: "The Jonas Brothers" (it popped up on my Pandora okay) seems to sum up everything.

THE END.
Keep reading,
Jess.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Light and Dark.

Music: "Demi Lovato" Song: "Fix A Heart/Skyscraper"

This blog has no subject today just writing for myself in hopes of healing.

Why am I still in this bad dream?

Shouldn't I have woken up by now? Why can't I? I don't need you anymore darkness! and yet you continue to haunt every move I make. And when I'm happy you can't bare to see the smile on my face so you take everything and spin it till no one would ever see the smile that just a few seconds ago was melting the ice you love to put in me. And every time it melts away it comes back colder then before. It's turned me pink, red, blue, purple, and lastly black. The funny thing is I still don't know why my heart is still beating?. It's bled out too many times to count. I thought I was rid of you. But it's just like you to make me think that right? I'm so tired. But something still keeps me awake so you can't take me away. I know this to be true.

This is for anyone going through depression. Inspired by my struggle and Demi Lovato
Keep reading,
Jess.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

School time.

Music: "Paramore" Songs: "My Heart" (live)/In The Mourning/Cover of: "Landslide"

Felt like talking my gibberish, feeling oddly down as I wait for some of my shows to come on in my room seeing as how our cable box is out for the umpteenth time *Angry face* Missing my friends that have all gone to college and are now doing wonderful things with their lives, I can't blame them. I was homeschooled and have set foot in a school two maybe three times in my life, so I missed out on the Proms, Dances, etc. And for the time being missing out on college as well, it's not really that I couldn't go to school but for a long time I've been scared of bullies and Being treated different, in the sense that people think I'm like a "China doll" meaning they act like if I fell I would brake something and  I couldn't handle the work load they would have to scale it back for me then they would others. And I don't like when people make spectacles out of me because they may think those things. Any of you Handi- Cappable feel the same? For me it's only because I've never known any other way to be I was "Born this way" if I may quote Lady GaGa. Well this turned out to be a weird blog post.

Keep reading,
Jess.
P.S. thinking of going to school for fashion when I'm ready.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Hi there.

Music: "Everly"

Thought I'd write being that I'm sick, it's raining, and I really have no desire to do the chores I feel like I should be doing. And despite all that I'm in a peaceful mood hearing the rain in one ear and "Everly"  in the other. Haven't been in the right mind set to write anything I felt was worth talking about lately. Really don't see how this is worth much either but oh, well. The point of this is that it makes me feel better (if only it could make my head cold go away) Do you ever feel like eating junk food helps being sick? oddly I think it dose. I only want Poppy Bagels, Soda, and greasy food. and I'm not even PMSing. Again it's a rare day the the rain isn't kicking the crap out of my body so I'm watching it fall, mmmm I really do love it. It's such a funny thing to me how writing nonsense like this makes me feel better emotionally speaking, I guess I feel like I'm writing a story but then I look and see it's just what I never show on the outside....Make sense?

Anyway, 
Keep reading.
Jess.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

"One plus one"

Music: "One Plus One" By: "Beyonce"

This blog is for My big brother and his wife.

Now I can be sappy but I'm not a big sucker for "True love" as they say, because I've seen love at it's worst and my mind hasn't caught up with my heart just yet. But this past Friday I was blessed to join in the celebration of the 3rd wedding in my family for my brother John and his now wife Regan. I first met Regan at a famliy BBQ at my brither Jeff's house and being the little sisters my sister were at the time, my sister and I felt so awkward! And now that I look back on it it's funny because, now I can't remember not having her in my family. She's brought out the very best in my brother who has struggled through life so much, and I've always thought of my brother next to my mother as my "Real life" hero. He took care of me (And still dose) when I needed him, He talked to me when things with my family were very hard, and yet still finds time to push me to my limit's lol. I walked outside that night after the wedding while we gathered to watch lanterns light up a warm summer night sky and thought "This is love. This is what everyone should have"

Love you John and Regan.

Keep reading,
Jess.

Monday, July 4, 2011

'And the land of the free"

Music: "Sucker Punch The Movie Soundtrack"

Howdy ya'll, It's our country's birthday we are 145 goodness! cheesy moment time. I'm very proud to live in the U.S. I know we have much to change, but when you think about what we have changed to me it's amazing! To our troops may god keep you safe and let the ones you love hold you soon. To those who are not here with us anymore may you look down and be proud. And for all of us that are still breathing and living in the land of the free may we find a way to have peace....

.Happy 4th to you :)

Jess.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

MIA But no more!

Music: Pandora mix.

Ladies and gentleman I'm back! I got the bug to write again a few days ago, but every time I tried to find my blog it wouldn't come up. (I was typing the wrong website name every time) I'm sitting in my living room with my mom while she recovers from her second shoulder sugary due to some tares in both shoulders, she's doing quite well and healing very fast which is just lovely sense we have my big brothers wedding coming up in just a few weeks. My sister is a bridesmaid and my oldest nephew is the ring bearer, while my family and I are also in photos and all that jazz.You'd think finding a dress would be an easy task right? yeah, well not so much, I probably looked online at a little over 200 some odd dresses and I'm not even the bride. Then one night my mom I had some time free where we could go out just us to shop and bicker about dresses (Not your normal let's show off everything you have ) Type bickering but my mom and I have different ideas of "Classic" Turns out we only spent about two hours total shopping and it only took two stores to find my dream dress and SHOES to match. And all under 50$ Not bad right? Well, time to rest these tired fingers! 

Keep reading,
Jess.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Falling into change.

Music: "3OH3 ft' Neon hitch" "Follow me down"

Well, here I am Alice (insert middle and last name here) Falling down the rabbit hole with no one to catch me and on my way I'm seeing some crazy expletive things, I guess like everyone in this not so big world. Waiting to hit the bottom. it's April 11th 9:33 (Eastern time) and I'm in shorts and a t- shirt due to the thunder storm that was said to arrive two days ago (Still not here) *Taps fingers* and it's been throwing my body for a loop ever sense. I start Horse Back Vaulting soon after taking some off in the Fall and all of Winter.  I'm happy but I know it will kick my butt! I guess it's what I need. My sister heads off to MO for about 3 months in about two weeks (Can't even go there right now) and my Dad is moving back upstate for a new job and my nephew Logan just had his first soccer practice tonight and my big brother is getting married this July goodness, how things are spinning into change again. That's kinda what I meant about feeling like Alice in Wonderland and falling down the rabbit hole. Am I ready for this?

Keep reading,
Jess.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Run.

Music: "I'm ok" Christina Aguilera.

Every once in a while I'll be outside and think maybe today is the day I can let go of all my fears, and pain etc, and then I feel like I can't do anything ever again because of my legs that are broken and the brain that made them that way. I just get fed up and lonely when there's  so much world to see out there and I have to be broken all the time. I have no words to tell you how that feel's. No words.

Just telling you how much I would like to just run for miles and miles and feel the ground under my feet sometimes.

Keep reading,
Jess.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

If you miss me see me, it's that easy.

Music: "Pandora mix"

Happy first day of spring ya'll, I have pink nails in honor of spring today, my gosh, I'm sitting in my living room for this post looking out at the last little bit of sun that's going down. There were times when I thought spring would never show for us here in upstate NY. What my days have felt like lately are just crazy! Have you ever had those days where the people in your life are starting to see how messed up you've been/felt even after you've told them hundreds of times yourself? A they want to help you but end up making you feel like nothing instead? And so the story of today's title begins. My sister and I have grown closer but also apart more in the last week or so then I think we might have ever been and if your the baby of your family or are about two years apart from your sister or brother like I am then, you might know how those type of things are so hard to deal with when they happen. It's getting to be where it's just me and my mom living at home, so it's an interesting thing to look at life in my point of view. And being the big sister she is she'll see that I'm in a funk (Most of the time from she see's that when I've been in one for longer then she thinks I have) and she'll offer to go shopping or something but, not really end up being there mentally in order for us to really do something "Together" or she'll say "We can do this" and she finds something out of the blue as to why she can't anymore. So to make it up to me she'll say she "Miss's Me" (Kind of like a guy no?) and I'll say "If you miss me see me, it's that easy" ta'da! 

Keep reading,
Jess.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Here we go again.

Music: "Pandora mix"

I just don't know what to do with myself, So much has changed and none of it is my own change. That's part of my problem, I fined myself just randomly screaming "UGH!!!!!!!!!!!! "Yeah, I know we all do that from time to time  but these are the type of "ughs" when you just find out you've been lied to for quite awhile. And the thing with me is I thought that was over and done with for now. Yes, I knew it would happen again and that I'd be lied to through out my life like everyone has been one way or another. But this feels so soon for just having been through this.  Like my childhood plans that once were are gone. When did that happen and why didn't I know about it?! But then again I never really had all that much of your so called "Normal" childhood" if you ask me. And I'm really not kidding you here when I say my favorite years were 6 and 9. Because I felt so free. It's an angry/sad blog post kind of time for me right now.

Keep reading,
Jess.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Just when I think I really lost it.

It's so nice to have something to write about! I give all credit to my very beautiful friend for this blog, she still puts up with my rambles (About nothing she hasn't heard before) I just wanted to write about that little things that pop up whatever it may be, that really makes you smile. When you as a parson feel like you don't have that little thing for just you to be happy about, and you feel so down and out that you just can't say anything because you know if you say something it won't be nice "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" Truth is though, we do have that little thing for "Just us" it's called friends. Thank you to the friends that make us feel when we think we can't.

Keep reading,
Jess.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Long time no talk

Music: "Sara Bareilles" Album: "Kaleidoscope Hart"

I have been very bad not posting/writing in almost a month! My goodness, I'm sorry! Well, truth is nothing upon nothing is new in my little life right now, or wroth telling you besides, do you really want to read about someone who's depressed?. I didn't think so. I'm working on the depression part though prayer. I was going to write how I thought my "Weather powers" were a thing of the past the other day, but a few days later they came back with quite the force. Like today everyone here in my town is loving the warm weather (Before a big storm comes) But me I'm in neck to ankle pain today. The neck pain is a new twist but a bright side/distraction is I am almost done with a book I've been reading and quite frankly very lazy with. It's called: "The Seven Rays" By: Jessica Bendinger. She wrote the movies Stick it, Bring it on, and Aquamarine (Also a book) and all of which I love. And this book might be made into a movie, it's the reason other then it sounded good I picked it up in the first place. I'll post a list of some of my favorite books for book lovers soon...Well, this was a long ramble piece....

Anyway, keep reading,
Jess.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Sorry.

Music: "Sara Bareilles" "Say your sorry"

So as you can probably guess I have a theme to this blog, what makes it so damn hard to say we're sorry or admit we're wrong? I almost always mean it when I say I'm sorry (That's just because I'm a so called "Goodie two shoes") in fact I really can't even remember when I didn't mean it? And if I didn't it was probably for something small that I later said sorry for on my own. But some of us just don't say it. Which  feels like all the time these days! I was once told by someone close to me that I "Always act like I can see the end" (That parson meant as a complement) and it is to this day one of the nicest things ever said about me. Because I always seem to think I was given a gift like that of some sort. So that's why I (Try) to always fix a fight between me and a loved one because you just never quite know when you won't get to fix things. Now, I haven't fixed everything in my life just yet, which is why I think I'm a "Fixer" for everyone else. My point to all this rambling is say your sorry so that loved one or friend can hopefully move on. Now, Conan is on so I must go swoon :)

Keep reading,
Jess.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Candlelight.

Music: "Little house" By: Amanda Seyfried (From the Dear John movie soundtrack)

"My tired heart is beating slow"- Little House. This quote is how I feel most days lately....We'll just see if this turn's into a sad blog this evening or not? But something about me having some time to be alone with my thoughts and the fact that the power is out (Temporally) I'm writing you by candlelight (Very hard to do by the way!) is peaceful and sad, because I'm alone with my thoughts which almost always sends me into a sobbing mess. (Ask anyone and they'll tell you I'm the crier of the family) I try very hard not to make sad post's but I think that one or two is alright now and then I'm looking around my house at our three pets. We used to have oh, what was it like 5 or 6? at one time, my mother hated/Loved it but now we're down to just three...Lost the second dog of my life just 3 months ago and just lost one of are twin cat's Bonnie and Clyde  (Mom picked those names) just about 2 weeks ago so it's been hard lately. Why the heck I'm still crying about such little things is what makes me cry all over again. If your a girl and you do this please tell me I'm not going crazy! Having one of those moments....Okay, DONE!

Oh what lovely gibberish I write, if your reading any of my blogs thank you :)
Keep Reading,
Jess.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Very first pair of heels.

Music: "Fergie" "Labels or love" (Sex and the City movie soundtrack)

Hello Lovelies! Hope your doing well, I am in the mood to write today and have been inspired
by FASHION! one of my most beloved things :) You see a miracle happened the other day/a few weeks ago when I told you I had a doctors appointment about my body etc...Well, one of the things he told me was sense I'm not growing and they can't shape my feet anymore I don't have to wear my god awful AFO's ( Ankle-foot orthoses) or braces. which means, I now can wear as I like to call them "Real shoes!" because I could only ever where sneakers size 8 or 9/1/2 to fit the braces when in reality I'm a size 6 they made me feel like Bigfoot and they were an eyesore with dresses or skirts and if you have AFO's you know what it's like. So I got some Christmas money for new shoes and my mom and I were talking about getting some boots that were stylish and good for the winter and other months. Which now brings us back to the other day (You still with me?) My sister and I went on a shoe hunt and well, it didn't take very long because the very first store I went in I bought shoes. Granted, I didn't think I'd get them at first because 1. I was looking for sense able shoes. And 2. I never could where heels but my Sister pulled out a pair of high heel boots that were STUNNING! I've always thought any kind of heels were amazing because I could never were them (I know, you woman who have to wear heels for work are like, "Try wearing them for this many hours") But for girls and some guys that can't wear heels with the right outfit it's a big deal! For me, my ankles won't stay straight and my feet them selves are always up tip toe style (You would think that would fit great with heels right? nope) But my sister put them on me and helped me walk around in them and they fit! I could walk in them!!!! ahhh! I just about died! My first pair of heels! they're black ankle boots with sparkles all over so very mio! I'm still getting the hang of walking a little straighter and taller, but all in all I've found a style that works (I'm now a shoeaholic) and am thrilled to be able to whear heels with a nice dressy outfit if needed....And just thrilled about fashion again!

Well, off to do chores.
keep reading,
Jess.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A New Year A new......

Music: "Debussy"  "Clair De Lune"

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! it's been a little over a week sense I've written you, I'm sorry for that but I just couldn't figure out what to say? So I'll do my best not to ramble....I always have things to say and subjects to write about but couldn't pick between the two that were floating around in my head so I decided just now that I would write about both. Now if I could only remember the second topic Haha (I'm having one of those days) Lately I've been having more and more trouble with the idea of love....Truly I've had half and half of what love gives, never one long sense of the "Lasting love" you hear about (Other then the love I think god and my parents have given me) and I get scared like I'm sure most do, that it won't ever show up or if it dose then something awful will go happen. (I know it won't if I don't let it) but for right now I can't seem to shake the feeling of hate when I see another couple holding hands, Making plans, etc... (BITTER party of one) it's a good thing I didn't write to you yesterday...Goodness! My friend and I were just awful ha! She's had a boy or two already but yet one of the things I love about her is she'll never be goo goo ga ga over some people or a guy unless it calls for it. I'm not saying the entire world is that way but around the holidays or in the summer time if you don't have someone even a friend to share them with is sometimes unbearable! It would have been alright if I'd had an old friend of mine with me but sadly I don't. I can't seem to remember my other topic so that's another thing I'll write about: "Finding friends" Having a disability is also rough cause if your like me you don't really get out much to meet new people. So when you end up losing or just not staying in touch with a friend (And your SUPER sensitive) it can be quite the blow. Yes, you have a cell phone, Computer, etc but not always a car to see those friends, and your friends don't always know quite what to do with you when you do go out. And if you have younger public school friends like me they can't drive and most of the time are in school or getting ready to start collage. I'm not saying I want like a hundred friends but meeting new people is such a big deal for those who can't. On the bright side though I have the most WONDERFUL friends! Friendship means everything to me, when I meet someone and we just click that's it! Your with me for life haha!! Well, I'm just about out of crazy things to say. Sorry if this makes no sense what so ever....Take with it what you will my darling bloggers :)

"To have a broken heart means you have tried" -Eat, Pray, Love The Movie.
Keep Reading,
Jess.