Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Bolder, Brighter, Bigger, and better

Music: "Re-Arrange again" Erin Mccarly

It's about 3 and half hours till 2013 is over and 2014 begins, this year has been full of many things, my two beautiful nieces were born into our ever crazy but ever loving family. While my four wonderful nephews continued to grow and learn in life, I finally got over a loss and started grieving another....I sought help to end my pain before my pain ended me. I can't say getting help was a relief but it wasn't for nothing, at the beginning of the year I sprained my ankle leading me to spend half the summer missing out on fun things. But then I found myself mostly pain free and able to start on a path to find the brighter things, I started to see a personal trainer at a local gym and even though I pay no mind to body weight ended up losing some lbs and started to feel less dead inside. But in hopes to teach and heal others with this blog I feel I should tell you about something I hinted at in an earlier post of mine, I opened up about some of the thoughts running through my head one day in counseling and that lead to my dark side to fully eclipse any good. And without really any say so it was like all the little stitches I'd sewn into my heart were ripped out and I was left to deiced if I wanted to end it all or keep stitching? well, I can tell you in this moment I'm happy to have chosen to keep stitching...There are many, many days where my body, mind, and heart are just so tired of fighting to stay happy, but then there are days like finally seeing the cover for my upcoming book or seeing one of the many babies in my family smile and I'm reminded of how much I have yet to see in this small little life of mine. 

Be safe. Be as happy as you can and be free.

Keep reading,

Friday, December 27, 2013

A thought from my head to yours

I was going to write a post but ended up deciding not to because I really have too many things in my brain to pick just one thing to write about. So instead I'll leave you with a quote from my all time favorite books.....Depression is pain in its purest form and I would do anything to be able to feel an emotion again. Any emotion at all. Pain hurts, but pain that’s so powerful that you can’t feel anything anymore, that’s when you start to feel like you’re going crazy." -Cam The Edge Of Never.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

No sleep tonight

Music: "Skylar Grey" Coming home part 2

I should be sleeping sense it's almost two in the morning and I've been writing most of the evening, but what else is new? I started counselling in march of this year and I'm still asking myself if I've said the right things? I know there is no such thing as the "Right thing" when it comes to counselling, but I think if you've been through it you'll know what I mean. I finally got a tattoo I've wanted sense I was 13 of my twin sister's name (See old blog posts)...It was funny because after I got it done I drove by where she's buried and had the sense that she was happy I had gotten it. Not sure why I had the thought, but in any case it's a good feeling to look over and see my other half. It's my way of saying "I remember you" I guess. I'm more at peace with it oddly. I always say she's my angle looking over me but now I can see her.....

Okay, time for my late night rabble to end.

Keep reading,

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Good Night & Goodbye

Music: "Say something" A Great Big world.

Letters of our past stored in boxes. Memory's never fade. The Heart begins to beat again. Lives are lived and life go's on. Scares are less visible. But the hate lives on. I'm tired of wanting for nothing. You are a memory. I will smile and look back on you, but I will not go back to you. Wishing the best, but not hoping for more. You are pain when you once were joy. I did not make you stay, because you chose to leave. And to leave means you knew you wouldn't be back. You will miss the joy. You will miss the pain. You will miss it all. You will get nothing. You chose nothing. Begging is a lost cause. It is childish. I have put my childhood things away. I do not lose sleep. Because you lost me. I've built my walls again. I'm fighting my own battle, not yours. In the end I win the war. But I'm only human, and I bleed when I fall down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. I'm only human.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Online world...

Music: Spotify radio

It's a funny thing when you find yourself in a job where you work online, as I become a "writer" I learn so much every day. The ladies who have been helping me find my footing I give all the credit to them! it was when I was chatting with one of them one night that I wrote the first two chapters of my soon to be self published book "Finding Nikki" and I was blown away that came out of me, mainly because I have a hard time making sense of my inside thoughts so, it's crazy that I wrote a story essentially about myself that from what I'm hearing so far people like. That my fantasy life and love of books are coming to life. So, I thank these wonderful ladies for being so kind while having not even knowing me, they've shown me respect, Heart, and honesty....I don't often go by any "it was meant to be" type sayings but in this case I feel that for this time in my life I'm meant to be in the online writing world. I love see how everything plays out while I write my stories play out, I'm not like some authors are and write down outlines (Mostly cause my handwriting is shit) it just come as I type it out...Sometimes I have ideas ahead of time but mostly it's free hand. It's also how I deal with some of my depression, it lessen's the noise in my head that makes it harder to breath day by day. In no way are they gone, some days it just gives them more to feed from like for instance today, I'm having a pretty awful day...and I really just want to scream or hurt myself. It's an incredibly hard thing to turn them off when they want to be heard....And some days I have no clue how I'm here writing this to you. And then I see my beautiful nieces and nephews or hear a song that I relate to and I heal. For that moment in time no voices, just the sound of my very broken but still beating heart.

Keep Reading,

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Slow Going....

Music: "Brick by brick" Katy Perry (Unplugged)

I feel as though someone could walk right through me and I wouldn't even care. I feel so empty. it's no secret that woman deal with a lot when it comes to our emotions we always feel overwhelmed and out of sorts almost, especially around that time of the month (Why do you think we get so pissed at you boy's who ask us if "it's that time?" because you don't have to go through this shit! anyway, combined with that and life and depression to top it all off I become more withdrawn then I already am. I never know when or if it stopped when it hits me like a punch to the gut...."All my little white lies smell like a big 'ol bucket of bleach" a lyric that seems fitting to how I feel right now, I feel as though anything I say is not worth the breath. I want to feel the cold wet rain on my face and know that I'm still here and not in some other realm where everyone just moves slowly never getting anywhere, never feeling. It's almost like someone is pushing me back, making me sleep all day knowing that when I wake up I'll want to see what awaits, only to hold me back while I kick and thrash to get to the rain.

Tonight I will dream of rain.

Thursday, August 29, 2013


Music: "Extra Ordinary" By: Lucy Hale 

Hello my night owls, I kind of have a subject for this post wohoo! for the moment I feel pretty damn good so I thought I'd write this down. The song I'm writing to came on my Spotify and I've been playing it for like an hour...it's an acoustic song and I gotta say those are my favorite types when it comes to songs, when a song is stripped down to just the lyrics is what music is all about for me. I love to sing as I've said before but I'm super shy with my voice...An old friend and I would sing together with my older sister while our friend played acoustic and I swear we could give Beyonce a run for her money lol. And I've sang for a number of close friends who say I have a nice voice but I'm still privet when it comes to singing...It's like talking about depression or CP, they don't know how raw it makes you to use your real god given voice. It's a part of our hearts and in the day and age hearts get broken every second of everyday. But when I'm alone to write or sing it becomes my world where there is no limits...I've written about what my world with no limits is like but there's something about when we use our voices for singing that is memorizing for me. It just makes things better.

Keep reading,

Monday, August 26, 2013

Mindless Words

Music: "Wasting All These Tears" By: Cassadee Pope

I just got back from spending the last day and a half in NYC with my big brother and his family, So why do I feel heavy with sadness? I've gone to the city three times now, and each time I feel like I lose more and more of who I want to be every time I have to leave and go back upstate. A lot of people don't like the city or like the city but just for short amounts of time. For me though it's seeing what I've always dreamed of for myself, what I would be doing in the city changes all the time but I still feel as if it's where I'm meant to be. It's funny cause I'm battling major anxiety all the time now, and if you knew that you'd probably say that isn't a place that's good for me right now, but it's as if everything gets clearer when I see the buildings, the people, the way the city is alive with new life. It never fails to make me feel like I never knew the word "pain" Things where I live now are not as tainted as other places for me are but it still makes things tougher when I see how slowly things are still going in my life. While my family may be getting bigger I feel as though I'm getting smaller. At the end of the trip my brother ended up apologizing to me for something and it was all I could do not to burst into tears at his sudden kindness towards me. Not that my brother's are never like that just that they don't always show that they see my as their sister and not just the "Little sister" I can think of a handful of times when my brothers showed that they were listening to what I've said, those are my favorite times with them. It's then that I breath a heavy breathe and say "I will try for a little longer" Little dose he know how those few words helped me.

"Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal"
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Wednesday, August 14, 2013

It's been awhile.....

Music Paul McDonald & Nikki Reed "The Best Part EP"

I'm laying in my bed as I write this, the screen from my computer the only light to guide my fingers. I write books now. It's something that just happened. And I spend two days a week working out some of my demons. But I'm doing my best to stop running from them. It all kinda came to a head  over the weekend....May it be the new medications I was on or just the people I love seeing my demons as well, it will forever be a turning point in my life. I can't tell you that my demons wont catch up with me again and that when they do things wont be a little less messier then the last. I was scared. I was hurting. I was embarrassed (And still am). There's a lyric that fits with all those things "At least your feeling something" People saw my dark side when I was raw and wounded enough to not care anymore, I can't say I even do care right now. It's a long, long fight to the finish.

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Wednesday, July 3, 2013


Music Spotify mix

Do you have any idea how annoying depression is? And the fact that it just stays with you even on the good days just drives me crazy sometimes....I've been feeling off for a few days now, and no matter what I do right now it's just there. Causing me to freak out over the stupidest things, oddly it always makes me feel as if I'm coming down with something....I'm avoiding people again. It's almost like they've suddenly grown three heads and I can't be seen with them. Crazy right? How we get ourselves into these shitty moods I'll never know. Sometimes the pain feels good, just because it means your feeling something...I'm not the type to put on a mask and go about my day like everything's fine and dandy, but I can't help feeling like I have a mask on. (Yes, I see the irony there sense I'm afraid of masks) it's the only thing that popped in my mind.

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Saturday, June 1, 2013


An inspired piece. 

I know I have to keep you to live but my need to get rid of you is like I've been set on fire most nights. I wait for it to stop but it just keeps burning slowly until it sparks just right to flame again. But your still there picking at whats left after, My muscles open and twitching. I look at the mess through a glass wall at the girl who has no skin. Wanting to know if she feels it? if the pain is still the same? Surely now that her skin is gone she feels it all again, The air, The earth. But the fire is gone. it is no more. 

Saturday, May 18, 2013

if it's all been done what is left to do?...

Music "Happy" By: Hilary Duff

it's a funny thing depression, it never fails to surprise me when it hits all the raw scares I think are just starting to heal. I'm not sure if it's the pms writing this, The need to claw at My skin to feel free from it all, or that I've once again up'ed one of My meds? I was up till 2:30am mostly reading but some thinking My body was caving in around me...My heart pounding tears stinging My eyes I ended up calling My sister in law at 1:00 in the morning knowing she works herself dry these days knowing I should have kept My selfish needs out of her life I just needed so badly to hear her voice. Before I moved she was one of the only people truly opened up about My crazy thoughts My self harming thoughts....I felt a little better after talking with her. But I'm still reeling with crazy thoughts as I write this all out.  

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Tuesday, April 2, 2013


Music: Paramore By: Paramore.

Hi everyone, Writing while I have a clear mind....Today I have had one of the most calm days I've had in a long time. When I say that I'm "calm"  I mean my head and depression are not screaming at me to feel worthless, I just sit and read Kindle, Watch TV, etc...But today despite not feeling grate my head (depression) decided to take a brake and in turn give me some much needed breathing room! I had a day like this two months ago where I just felt good...I still had the mundane type feelings but to be truthful I didn't want to sleep forever or harm myself. I tear up writing this because it's a struggle for me not to feel that way everyday. I'm not sure if maybe my meds are working or reading is helping me stay away from some of it? But I needed this so bad!! My last post I wrote was inspired by my sadness and fear and tonight I can write you and feel okay....Not to say I wont slip back to struggling tomorrow but that's what the word struggle means. But I could breath today so I am okay with struggling.

Keep Reading,

Saturday, March 30, 2013


Music: Possibility By: Lykke Li
inspired post.

One day I'll see you and know I am not crazy to have wanted this for so long. That staying up till all hours of the night wasn't wasted on just silly needs. To feel like I'm free when you call for me. When you smile at how  you see the real me even when I don't.When words are not needed. When I hurt so much I think I'm dyeing and you pull me back. When I have something just for me. To know that you're scared too. When you see the scares from my inside out. When I hate life and you're still with me. I feel you looking for me. Do you feel me looking and waiting for you to find me? I hear whispers and wonder if you've found me? I look around and wonder if maybe thats you? if we're looking at one another? I feel you so strong it's maddening. I leave my window open hoping you'll wake me from my sleep and you'll sleep beside me. I'll wake to see your face wondering how we couldn't find one another for so long? No words will come from me just understanding.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Write it all down...

Music: Rosi Golan. "Been a long day"

Hi There people of the world, I'm just writing things down to clear my mind. I'm feeling very worn down these past few days I've been in counseling for a few weeks now to deal with depression, it's weird to finally say "I have depression" I mean I've known I've had it for a long time now but until recently I've never really talked a lot about it to such a length that people are there to tell me I'm not "Crazy" and that it's a "Real" issue....I've felt a little better about getting help for it but more then anything I keep coming away from talking about my issues feeling empty and still unsure about a lot of things. I never thought I would be were I am today I say that with a happy yet sad heart....I don't think any of us wakes up saying "Stay in bed" "No one cares"  it's not really a self hate thing for me more of a body hate thing in my case....I look down and think "Why have legs if I can't do etc?" Again, I'm happy that I came to the point of saying I need help. But I'm a woman :) so it's hard for me not to wake up and just be "Cured" of it all. As they say "things will get better in time...."

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Monday, February 11, 2013

A silly little thing called life

Music: "The Best Part" EP: Paul McDonald & Nikki Reed

I deiced to go through my old pre-blogging writing the other night and I found myself not hating what I thought and felt back then as much as I thought I might, You know that saying "Time heals all?" or "Over time things will change?" I haven't payed a lot of thought to sayings in my life, But reading my old thoughts from about 14-18 those seem fitting. I saw a lot more change in them than non at all....I'm a Pessimist through'n through  but I found I was a lot lighter then I am now. Crazy how life changes and how we change throughout it. I still have my sad moments I wrote about then just I see things clearer now...I give time to find truth in my thoughts or make myself step out of my head to see what go's on around me. I've come to terms with so much sense the time I started writing...But also know I have more to over come just like all the rest of us....

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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

"If there's a future I want it now"

Music: "Now" By: "Paramore"

So I'm once again inspired to write my post this evening by my love of the band "Paramore" The title of my post is a lyric in one of their songs. I've been struggling with my depression for so long I can't remember the last time I was happy for longer then an hour. It feels like every 5 minutes there would be another thing in my way toward being an adult, Being on my own without this shitty deniability. Don't get me wrong someday's I love the way I was meant to live the life I have with it, to teach people about those of us who do struggle with CP. But on top of that some of us have to deal with this monster of "depression" I'm so done! This song talks about forgetting things that held you back and in NO way am I saying I will be 100% cured by writing to you all but I just want one day without someone saying "Put good vibes out, "it's your fault" "Pray" (Although I do) "Smile" For me some days when people say things like that to me I just want to smack them...They have no clue who we are, what we're going through, it's hard! I want one day that I'm not in body pain or mental pain (Okay breath Jess breath!) Sorry it's been a crazy time in my head lately....My VERY long rant is that I'm starting to move on I have a meeting with someone I hope will help me to do that so I can start finding me again not the old me just ME "NOW"

P.S. if you read this then you just read a crazy head meltdown.

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