Thursday, August 29, 2013


Music: "Extra Ordinary" By: Lucy Hale 

Hello my night owls, I kind of have a subject for this post wohoo! for the moment I feel pretty damn good so I thought I'd write this down. The song I'm writing to came on my Spotify and I've been playing it for like an's an acoustic song and I gotta say those are my favorite types when it comes to songs, when a song is stripped down to just the lyrics is what music is all about for me. I love to sing as I've said before but I'm super shy with my voice...An old friend and I would sing together with my older sister while our friend played acoustic and I swear we could give Beyonce a run for her money lol. And I've sang for a number of close friends who say I have a nice voice but I'm still privet when it comes to singing...It's like talking about depression or CP, they don't know how raw it makes you to use your real god given voice. It's a part of our hearts and in the day and age hearts get broken every second of everyday. But when I'm alone to write or sing it becomes my world where there is no limits...I've written about what my world with no limits is like but there's something about when we use our voices for singing that is memorizing for me. It just makes things better.

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Monday, August 26, 2013

Mindless Words

Music: "Wasting All These Tears" By: Cassadee Pope

I just got back from spending the last day and a half in NYC with my big brother and his family, So why do I feel heavy with sadness? I've gone to the city three times now, and each time I feel like I lose more and more of who I want to be every time I have to leave and go back upstate. A lot of people don't like the city or like the city but just for short amounts of time. For me though it's seeing what I've always dreamed of for myself, what I would be doing in the city changes all the time but I still feel as if it's where I'm meant to be. It's funny cause I'm battling major anxiety all the time now, and if you knew that you'd probably say that isn't a place that's good for me right now, but it's as if everything gets clearer when I see the buildings, the people, the way the city is alive with new life. It never fails to make me feel like I never knew the word "pain" Things where I live now are not as tainted as other places for me are but it still makes things tougher when I see how slowly things are still going in my life. While my family may be getting bigger I feel as though I'm getting smaller. At the end of the trip my brother ended up apologizing to me for something and it was all I could do not to burst into tears at his sudden kindness towards me. Not that my brother's are never like that just that they don't always show that they see my as their sister and not just the "Little sister" I can think of a handful of times when my brothers showed that they were listening to what I've said, those are my favorite times with them. It's then that I breath a heavy breathe and say "I will try for a little longer" Little dose he know how those few words helped me.

"Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal"
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Wednesday, August 14, 2013

It's been awhile.....

Music Paul McDonald & Nikki Reed "The Best Part EP"

I'm laying in my bed as I write this, the screen from my computer the only light to guide my fingers. I write books now. It's something that just happened. And I spend two days a week working out some of my demons. But I'm doing my best to stop running from them. It all kinda came to a head  over the weekend....May it be the new medications I was on or just the people I love seeing my demons as well, it will forever be a turning point in my life. I can't tell you that my demons wont catch up with me again and that when they do things wont be a little less messier then the last. I was scared. I was hurting. I was embarrassed (And still am). There's a lyric that fits with all those things "At least your feeling something" People saw my dark side when I was raw and wounded enough to not care anymore, I can't say I even do care right now. It's a long, long fight to the finish.

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