Monday, August 26, 2013

Mindless Words

Music: "Wasting All These Tears" By: Cassadee Pope

I just got back from spending the last day and a half in NYC with my big brother and his family, So why do I feel heavy with sadness? I've gone to the city three times now, and each time I feel like I lose more and more of who I want to be every time I have to leave and go back upstate. A lot of people don't like the city or like the city but just for short amounts of time. For me though it's seeing what I've always dreamed of for myself, what I would be doing in the city changes all the time but I still feel as if it's where I'm meant to be. It's funny cause I'm battling major anxiety all the time now, and if you knew that you'd probably say that isn't a place that's good for me right now, but it's as if everything gets clearer when I see the buildings, the people, the way the city is alive with new life. It never fails to make me feel like I never knew the word "pain" Things where I live now are not as tainted as other places for me are but it still makes things tougher when I see how slowly things are still going in my life. While my family may be getting bigger I feel as though I'm getting smaller. At the end of the trip my brother ended up apologizing to me for something and it was all I could do not to burst into tears at his sudden kindness towards me. Not that my brother's are never like that just that they don't always show that they see my as their sister and not just the "Little sister" I can think of a handful of times when my brothers showed that they were listening to what I've said, those are my favorite times with them. It's then that I breath a heavy breathe and say "I will try for a little longer" Little dose he know how those few words helped me.

"Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal"
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Jess.

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