Thursday, November 28, 2013

Good Night & Goodbye

Music: "Say something" A Great Big world.

Letters of our past stored in boxes. Memory's never fade. The Heart begins to beat again. Lives are lived and life go's on. Scares are less visible. But the hate lives on. I'm tired of wanting for nothing. You are a memory. I will smile and look back on you, but I will not go back to you. Wishing the best, but not hoping for more. You are pain when you once were joy. I did not make you stay, because you chose to leave. And to leave means you knew you wouldn't be back. You will miss the joy. You will miss the pain. You will miss it all. You will get nothing. You chose nothing. Begging is a lost cause. It is childish. I have put my childhood things away. I do not lose sleep. Because you lost me. I've built my walls again. I'm fighting my own battle, not yours. In the end I win the war. But I'm only human, and I bleed when I fall down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart. I'm only human.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Online world...

Music: Spotify radio

It's a funny thing when you find yourself in a job where you work online, as I become a "writer" I learn so much every day. The ladies who have been helping me find my footing I give all the credit to them! it was when I was chatting with one of them one night that I wrote the first two chapters of my soon to be self published book "Finding Nikki" and I was blown away that came out of me, mainly because I have a hard time making sense of my inside thoughts so, it's crazy that I wrote a story essentially about myself that from what I'm hearing so far people like. That my fantasy life and love of books are coming to life. So, I thank these wonderful ladies for being so kind while having not even knowing me, they've shown me respect, Heart, and honesty....I don't often go by any "it was meant to be" type sayings but in this case I feel that for this time in my life I'm meant to be in the online writing world. I love see how everything plays out while I write my stories play out, I'm not like some authors are and write down outlines (Mostly cause my handwriting is shit) it just come as I type it out...Sometimes I have ideas ahead of time but mostly it's free hand. It's also how I deal with some of my depression, it lessen's the noise in my head that makes it harder to breath day by day. In no way are they gone, some days it just gives them more to feed from like for instance today, I'm having a pretty awful day...and I really just want to scream or hurt myself. It's an incredibly hard thing to turn them off when they want to be heard....And some days I have no clue how I'm here writing this to you. And then I see my beautiful nieces and nephews or hear a song that I relate to and I heal. For that moment in time no voices, just the sound of my very broken but still beating heart.

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