Wednesday, December 31, 2014

My year in 2014.....

Music: Spotify playlist "Thinking & wishing"

Surprisingly this is the first year in a long time that I've felt the year flew by. So here it go's, my year in a nutshell. I think this year really began for me in early March, I finally decided to go after love. Aka started this crazy roller coaster of online dating, since sadly I don't get many chances in the "Real world" to meet guys. Then somewhere in the middle of this ride I met someone, I thought "Wow, someone is finally willing to talk to me, and he's male!" In the following weeks we "talked" (texted) nearly everyday, and I began to feel beautiful for the first time in a way I'd never known. Finally in mid April I had my first date (ever, at 21 :P) I was a little in shock honestly that this was real, I was going on a real live honest to god date. Me. The girl who just the year before hated everything about herself and the life she had. My sister and I had the experience of bonding while she did my hair and makeup (a memory I'll treasure forever) And we pondered over whether or not he'd really kiss me (Use tongue. Sorry mom) She also wiggled her way into coming to the same place where our date was....Not her finest moment. His smile was infectious, it made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world to know he was with me. He was mine. I'd never been good around the few guys I'd met in my life before then, so I was thrilled at how I was able to laugh etc being with him. I then got what was my first kiss at the end of the evening. It was a really bad first kiss, I mean bad, and to tell you the truth it didn't really get better during the month we were together. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't crying writing the first part of this post. I look back on my time with him with only little good memories, I say that because the night it all ended was not the worst moment in my life, but the worst night of my life. It was/is a breakup I never wish for anyone. I still think the pieces of my heart that night are scattered outside my house. In between the months I spent grieving, I'd talk to a few guys only to have them lead to a dead end. The came my second date, which also didn't lead anywhere but was a really lovely date. And behind door number tree is the 3rd guy to ask me out and the second guy to ever kiss me. It was as Taylor Swift might say a magical night (No, really) He treated me so well and was a damn good kisser lol, so I now count that one as my first "real" kiss. It ended in a hard loss, but I manged to move slowly onward from it. And now a little more recent was the fourth guy in my life who was what I thought would be the end of dating for me for awhile. Now that, that one stung at the end. Oh yeah, somewhere in there I became a writer and my depression lessened some :) And in this year I grew even closer to my best friend whom without I'd honestly not have been able to get through all this. Thank you so much! And the best thing about this year has been seeing my family grow and thrive to the fullest it ever has. I've never been happier to be apart of it. If you made it through what might be my longest post to date? Then even though it may seem like it's all about my love life, know that it's not. It's about me living my life for the first time this year....In hopes of coming out better on the other side of it.

In 2015 keep reading,
Jess.


"You can’t water down the truth and when you do, it loses all its power.
I hope that, at the end of this year, you realize how the hard times made you. I hope for you that you allowed those times to make you better. I would bet that you’re better. " - Hayley Williams.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Risky......

Music: Spotify mix

So, here's where my head is at right now, I can't say my will power is completely gone, but it's not as strong as it once was. I'm not saying I can or want to go out and do whatever the hell I want, but lately I've just been tired. Tired of being twenty two and having never lived. I remember all to well what it's like to be closed off and alone. I'm still in that place. But I want to be risky, I want to feel what it's like to act my age, to breathe. I never feel as though I breathe deeply anymore, like something is just keeping the breathe inside my lungs. I'm probably setting myself up for years worth of therapy, but I want to just let go for awhile....see what might be.

Keep Reading,
Jess.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Faith, doubt, self worth, and love.....

Music:  "I Hate To See Your Heart Break" Paramore ft: Joy Williams/ "The Heart Wants What It Wants" Selena Gomez

It's a funny thing, when you've spent your life knowing that at any given moment the "other foot" will drop. But years later the way the foot drops I never see coming.....I wonder if we ever get to a place where we stop questioning our self worth? "The beds gettin cold and your not here." I need to start looking for someone who makes good armor, my heart could use an upgrade.

Keep Reading,
Jess.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Six months wiser......

Music: "Clean" Taylor Swift, "1989"

Six months ago, my life blossomed. Six months ago I learned to fight for what I want. Six months ago someone saw me. Six months ago I felt what it was like to be a "teenager." Six months ago I learned what it was like to live. Six months ago you walked into my world. Six months ago you walked out of it. This is a post about a girl who, six months ago didn't understand what it really meant to feel. "Please. Don't flatter yourself, your not the only one this heart has ever felt." You branded my skin. Forever with me. But your ghost is less haunting now, only whispers are left for me to feel. I still revisit that night. And it still kills me inside. But when I fought, I felt free. It feels good to know that I did, somehow make you see what you were losing. If I saw you today, what would I say? Do you regret it? Did I burn your skin too? What was it worth to you? So many questions, but if I saw you today?.....I can say that I cloud walk past you without a second glance. I'm not the same girl as when you last saw me. Shes wiser now, understands what she wants.....and that isn't you.

"Ten months sober I must admit, just because your clean don't mean you don't miss it."

Keep reading,
Jess.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Choices....

Music: "Flawed Roses book playlist" (Spotify)

"Though he's gone it's still hard to move on." Well, I've painted my nails black. Whether I just wanted to be "Chic" or I'm just in an off mood remains to be seen I guess. Choices. Their everywhere, right? What we do with them can make us or break us. Lately a good amount of my choices seem to be leaving me in the middle of the make or break part. I really haven't landed on either side. It's exhausting to be honest. I'm a "Black or white" kind of girl, as my Mom would say. I don't like just floating around waiting to see what outcome will define the path I take next. It's left me a nervous wreck, full of anxiety at every turn. Literally bouncing off the walls. My heart and thoughts race each other, desperate to see the finish line. I can't get a good grasp on myself, it's beyond frighting sometimes. I think it's time to go back "inside myself" as I say, and leave the world to figure out my place in it on it's own. My writing (hence this post) and books are calling to me right now, and it's about time I pick up....

Keep Reading,
Jess.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Closed off.....

A few days ago I was dumped, (again) and that led me to admit something to myself that I didn't want to. I also admitted this to my sister who was witnessing this admission and also very large breakdown I was having. She gave me the advice to act on said admission, I did. I opened a very old and dusty door to a part of my life I've grieved over for years. What I found when I opened the door again was nothing like I'd thought I'd find. Instead of what I thought would be anger, I was met with what I've been dealing with throughout my whole dating experience......silence. Silence is the one thing that breaks any love I've ever had. I almost wish I'd done this years ago, I could have saved myself from MASSIVE amounts of pain....I'm beginning to find that it's not love I'm afraid of that might hurt me, I'm afraid of the silence that's been hiding behind everything I've ever loved. I'm sitting here wondering how on earth I could have ever been so stupid as to think for one second the silence wasn't waiting in the shadows. Always listen to your gut too, when it tells you something is wrong it is. Opening that door was wrong. But now that door doesn't exist in my life anymore, and the memories that were behind it went along with it. In that silence the full five years of my life I'd wanted so badly to get back did just that. They came back. The rejection I've felt with this door is gone. It's just gone. It's finally dead and buried. It's almost laughable the weightless feeling that's been put in it's place. (I'm writing these words at the exact time they're hitting me btw) I DON'T HAVE TO CARE ABOUT YOU!!! Now, the silence from the guy's I've met in my life is another story entirely. But my god, if the realization that I don't have to care anymore doesn't feel like the best thing in the world, then I don't know what does?! 

So, like always I say, Keep Reading, 
and THE END.
Jess.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Untitled....

Music: Spotify mix

The title of this post says it all. I feel very "Untitled" at the moment. Three things come out of my online dating experience, I talk with a guy and begin to like them and then they stop talking to me. I receive rude messages. And finally, I "Date" them and they break me all over again....and each time it cuts deep enough to leave a new scar. Do these guys not see that I'm human? That they're words will stay with me whether they're good or bad? In the end I know it will shape me into a stronger woman, at least I hope it will. Right now though, I feel far from strong, I'm beaten and bruised. I cant even take a simple complement without second guessing it. This last one knew just what to say to make the knife just sharp enough. I expect to be hurt. I welcome the pain at this point. I am so drained.....but somehow my stupid heart doses't want to stop looking for the one who will mean what he says. 

Keep Reading,
Jess

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Battle....

Music:  "The Funeral" Band Of Horses

Everyone has said something about the amazing soul we lost, so I'll say my thoughts. Robin Williams was one of my favorite comedians and actors and it really breaks my heart to lose such a great man.....Everyone struggles with so many things in this world, depression is one mean bitch. It has the power to end you, and this is the proof. I cannot tell you enough how alone I felt during my teen years, it wasn't your normal teenage angst. This was pure I feel so much pain and I just can't take it anymore pain. How the eff I lived through it I'll never quite understand. I know just how damn lucky I truly am though, to have the family and friends that I have in my life....If only others had that, but even with family and friends depression finds a way to darken things. I was brave and somehow strong enough to ask for help when I knew that if I didn't I wouldn't have held on as long as I have....It's hard to ask for help to this day, to go and talk about my thoughts, my pain, my anger, will always be hard for me and it's going on two years now. Robin was simply to tired to ask anymore....So to him I say, sleep and be healed from your darkness.

Keep Reading,
Jess.

Friday, August 8, 2014

I'm here....

Music: "Lose Control" Colony House

I have to be up in a few hours, but when I'm inspired to write there is no such thing as sleep. It's been one year since I wanted nothing to do with life, wanted everything to just stop, I wanted to just breath without it hurting. I still have days where pain is all I feel, but I'm amazed that a year has passed and I can say that I'm healing from some of it. You have no idea how much it means that I could even feel something other then pain.....Day after day I struggle with depression, for some it lasts only for a seconds, once it's there it stays with you. In my case it lives in me. My rock bottom hit me hard....It was the scariest thing I've ever been through. But I'm breathing, I'm living, I've had my heart broken and somehow managing to find myself for the first time in my life.....I'm here.

Keep Reading,
Jess.


Monday, July 21, 2014

No sleep till....?

Music: "Waiting for superman" Daughtry

Evening folks, lets see...I've just been turned down for the umpteenth time by a guy I could finally see something with other then my ex. He deals with depression which is one of the reasons I could see something with him, it caught up with him for the first time in a long time over the past few days, I feel so awful for him, I really do. But I don't have any choice but to leave if you push away, I can't risk that again for myself. I have to find who want's to help me and vice vrsa. Then talking with a new online friend of mine this evening who lost someone, I feel so much of the pain she feels as well, I know it's not much, but knowing I'll never really know my twin sister (See old posts) never fails to hit home when I hear someone's going through that kind of a loss, it's my biggest loss of my life. There are just times I just want to know her and wonder if she and I would have really understood each other.....Again, I'm just saying what's on my mind, but I'm really wondering why the hell I'm not enough right now? I hear all the time how I'm nice, funny, etc....but why do these guys I talk with, my ex included not see that too? I mean it's not like I think I'm the best thing ever, but I do know I'm worth something.....My point is I guess, we're just dealing right now, and I'm the last to say this, but pain can be good sometimes ladies and gentleman.

Keep Reading,
Jess. 

Friday, July 4, 2014

Love me now.....

Music: "Watch me" Paul McDonald & Nikki Reed

"If you don't love me now, why would you ever love me?" Lyrics that seem so fitting for me.....I'm sitting here writing to you thinking about nothing and everything, once again with nothing but my computer lighting the way and my feelings flowing though my fingers. Tired and anxiety ridden no less. sleep lets my mind rest, lets my body breath, and stops pain if only for just a moment. In waking hours I just coast through it all, while pain builds and bleeds through my skin.....dating has left me raw and strong at the same time. I give small parts of myself to strangers hoping they'll want to fill the missing ones....it leaves me strong when those parts are returned. What parts do I give today? Tomorrow? And to whom do I give them to? Well, that's all up to you isn't it? Trad for something borrowed or something new? I have everything and nothing to give you, I'm in a free fall just wanting to hit bottom.....to feel the earth against my back. To feel warm again. Maybe even safe again? Sleeping beauty had it easy, to dream until her dreams were gone and she didn't have to dream anymore. Wanting for nothing and waiting for no one. 

Keep Reading,
Jess.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Random rambles.....

Music: Spotify mix

With every new month it brings new coming changes, or at least that's how it seems to be lately for my life at this very moment. Some old bits of my depression have reared they're ugly heads recently, and honestly I don't have much in me to fight them right now. It's nothing to bad, just more like they're waiting right outside the door waiting to be let in again, but if there's any luck in this world they'll have to wait a bit longer.....The other day I felt the MASSIVE amount of pain in me that it nearly took everything in me to tell myself that it was doubt mixed with PMS feeding the pain and fear I felt so that I didn't fall prey to my stronger habits again. Again, I know I have a lot to learn and haven't been in it that long, but I just don't want to be let down in this game of love again.....At least not right now anyway.

Keep reading,
Jess.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Years of soul searching and I'm still not done...

Music: Spotify mix

I've only been at online dating for a few months now, but I won't lie to you and say I didn't think I'd find someone right away, when in fact I did think that. And if I'm being honest with myself I still see myself with someone even though I'm not anymore. You could send me a hundred texts, IM's, phone calls, but what is so hard about just letting someone know your not into them anymore within like the first two weeks? Don't leave me waiting here thinking there's a chance when you've already decided there isn't. Your an adult, same as me, so act like one for god sakes! I know I'm still very young and still have a lot to learn, but why do I have to be the one who sounds like a bitch just because I know what I want and it offends you because you don't? Isn't this supposed to be the time where I'm just starting to figure out what I want? Well, looks like life sped up that process for me....This, this is what makes me doubt I'm worth it. When you paint this pretty little dream in my head of what it could be like with you and then burn it to the ground when it's finished. That is what helps feed the pain that's made a home in my skin for years now. "It's not a bad thing to fall in love with me." Those lyrics could not feel less of a lie even if they tried. This post isn't me giving up, this is just me letting my trials and tribulations out. "Are you gonna stay the night? Doesn't mean we're bound for life." So what's it gonna be? Are you going to stay the night?.....

Keep Reading,
Jess

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Love and pain. Pain and love....

Music: Cher Loyd, "Goodnight"

Pain and love go hand in hand, this I know to be true. But I wish I could say I know it's true that someone will love me....aside from my family love's always been a one sided deal for me, always me loving the person more then they love me, never the two of us on the same page. My heart is barely alive after losing you, but your the one who threw it back after it was given to you. Despite all of this, I'm going to give it to someone who will need it as if they have no heart of their own. Someone who thinks I'm beautiful every morning when we're laying in bed together. Someone who will make me feel so safe in their arms that all my worry's will fly away in the wind. Someone who will be proud to call me theirs. Someone who will chase me when I want to run. Someone who understands the darkness I've lived in, and how hard I fight it everyday. And finally, someone who will love me back.

Keep Reading,
Jess.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Cheap and used.....

"Fall To Pieces" Avril Lavigne
My words to you.

What happens when that good thing you didn't wanna let go lets you go? I've dealt with a lot of pain in my life, but nothing has ever left me feeling as cheap, used, and hurt as the moment I heard the words "Your right. I used you." for the first time in a long time I saw my heart shatter again in front of me, and be replaced with a medicine that's sole purpose in life is to keep me breathing. I let someone see me, and I mean really see me for the first time in years and to add insult to injury gave them all but one firsts I had to give. I feel every touch left on my skin and feel as though I could never take enough showers to be clean again....maybe what hurts the most out of everything is you told me you wanted me disability and all, all you wanted was to hurt someone you felt was less then you. You knew all along what you were going to do and still somehow made me feel as though I was safe to be my real self. Something that will take years to give to someone else.....How could you take that from me? How could I let you take that from me? your words are my worst coldest kind of fears, that I will be used only to be someones punching bag when they need one. I gave so much that I will NEVER get back. I will always hate you for that. Most of all out of everything I hate my legs for not letting me walk away from you......

Sincerely, 

Cheap and used.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

All is fair in dating and war?.....

Music: "Ordinary World" cover: by Joy Williams (The Civil wars) 

Amazing, crazy, inane, love life tornado. 

Those are the words that can best sum up my feelings right now, it never fails to amaze me how life gives me it's not so subtle hints that I need to just shut up and listen. How long do you think we learn life is not about us? (Not counting when kids are had) My heart always runs before it can walk, it's always been that way, and I highly doubt anything or anyone will be able to change that. Holding someone's hand that isn't a hand of a friend or family member is a whole new ball game for me, let alone anything beyond that. I believe that life is meant to scare the shit out of us sometimes, my problem is I can't ever see that it's scaring me for good reasons sometimes and not only just for the bad....phone calls texting, e-mailing, blogging or even good ole pen and paper will never mean as much to me as when I'm talking face to face with someone. Even if I beat myself up over something that was said by me or by the person I'm talking to, I still feel better in the long run because I can see what the other person is feeling! Words hold so much meaning in our world. well, in my own world things are different. It's what you do when your saying these things that's to me. That's where the meaning lie's for me. Remember how in my last post I said I knew how not to let a good thing go? That part was true. It's how not to scare things away before they go is what I've been learning and (still ) need to learn how NOT to do. Yelling is how I test things to see or try to see if those I care about will leave, it's something I've had to tell myself time and time again. Some of it has to do with a messy up-bringing and some just has to do with my own demons wanting to fight any good thing that they feel have been around longer then they felt comfortable with. Ignoring what my head and my heart are saying is not possible. If it works for you that's awesome! But I have a heart that speaks louder then my head and it's just not me to not listen to my heart first and my head second....even if that means I make a million mistakes before I can get one right.

Keep reading,
Jess.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Over and over.....

Music: Paramore: "For a pessimist I'm pretty Optimistic"  

Hey all you night owls, one of the many things I hate about my brain sometimes is that it seems to have lost the ability to forget anything.....And I can think of a few things I'd really like to clear up space with right now. So, whoever needs a non forgetful brain I'll give it over free of charge! There is just way to much crap going on in there right now. They fade with each day I guess, but then there are nights like tonight they just will not stop....It's not helping I had to do a lot of talking about life etc today either.....I'd just like a moment of peace for one minute.

Keep reading,

Jess.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Enough....

Music Paramore "Ignorance"

I'm tired. twenty one years is a long time of being tired. Twenty one years of feeling I'm not enough will eat away at anyone's heart I suppose. Why is it the disability is all you see? I go through enough without you making me feel less than....I just want a break from it, so why can't I look to you for it? Don't you think I spend my nights wishing I was "normal" like you? "Least I'll never wonder what it's like to sleep a year away" We all know the saying "Words hurt" for once just don't fucking say them, and see we're all human....

Keep Reading,
Jess.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Life's a trip...

Music: Kacey Musgraves. "On the map" (I'm obsessed with her for the moment)

A few weeks ago I was my normal crazy mess of a human being, I'm smiling at myself and this blog post tonight because it's like suddenly life was like "Hey, we heard you were having a hard time and wanted to make some changes for you." I'm the absolute last parson to say change is good, at least to myself. But, damn I don't want the good to leave my body again. I'm beginning to feel what it feels like and what it means to be wanted....I literally didn't think that would ever happen again. I honestly have no idea what is about to happen with my life, who really does right? I'm still having my days of struggle. But for the very first time in a long time I'm looking forward and not behind.

Keep reading,
Jess.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Be.

Music: Kacey Musgraves.

Year's have passed by and yet I still think of you everyday, as if nothing changed. But looking around you made it all change. The "what if's" never fail to break through, time pass's but not in the blink of an eye, more like it pass's just enough for us to realize we needed it to. Night's like these I wish nothing did change, but if nothing ever did change then where would I be? Where would you be? We would just be. And I've fought hard not to just be.

Keep Reading,
Jess.

Friday, February 7, 2014

lighthearted and fancy free....

Music: Katy Perry. (PRISM)

It's about 1am and darkness has decided not to fill my head for the moment. I've found such freedom in my writing. In my writing I am not this broken girl. I can say what I feel through what I've created...I can breath without gasping for life. it's a scary thing to have everyone see your heart put into words.....For the first time in my life I'm starting to feel okay in my skin. That doesn't mean everything is all sunshine and rainbows and I can't just act like the self harm and self doubt never happened. I still wake up wondering if everything will come crashing down again? I wake up every day asking myself if I can handle the possibility that my heart could shatter into a million pieces again? Once you've been broken it all changes....Things look very different and you'll question everyone and everything you ever knew, at least that's how it is for me. The pain is still there everyday, but this is why I'm writing you this, because in this moment it's a little less painful.

Keep Reading,
Jess.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Being young

No music for this post sense this is really just a spontaneous need to write what I'm feeling, so without further a due I give you my thoughts. Lately I've been pushing myself to get my life moving and take my life (Finally) in my own hands, it's (Excuse my french) really fucking hard! I'm pushing to publish my first book and just start trying new things....I've always been really, really passionate about things when I set my sights on a project, so in the past/now what makes me fall into my deep dark hole that is depression was that things always fell through, may it be friends, family, etc...And something among other things I've been really stuck on is how I keep hearing or reading more and more celebrity's and how their starting to come forward with how they'be been or are struggling with self harm or eating disorders when they were younger and I guess this post is my thank you to them...Those who struggle NEED to speak up (When they're ready) about these type of things. I struggle every day not to give into my needs of self harm and just give up on it all so when I hear things like that it gives me strength. I am not a positive person despite what my smile shows, but I'm doing my damnedest to change that! learning to love yourself on the inside is a battle that I'm fighting my way through to win...

Keep Reading,
Jess.