Music: "Ordinary World" cover: by Joy Williams (The Civil wars)
Amazing, crazy, inane, love life tornado.
Those are the words that can best sum up my feelings right now, it never fails to amaze me how life gives me it's not so subtle hints that I need to just shut up and listen. How long do you think we learn life is not about us? (Not counting when kids are had) My heart always runs before it can walk, it's always been that way, and I highly doubt anything or anyone will be able to change that. Holding someone's hand that isn't a hand of a friend or family member is a whole new ball game for me, let alone anything beyond that. I believe that life is meant to scare the shit out of us sometimes, my problem is I can't ever see that it's scaring me for good reasons sometimes and not only just for the bad....phone calls texting, e-mailing, blogging or even good ole pen and paper will never mean as much to me as when I'm talking face to face with someone. Even if I beat myself up over something that was said by me or by the person I'm talking to, I still feel better in the long run because I can see what the other person is feeling! Words hold so much meaning in our world. well, in my own world things are different. It's what you do when your saying these things that's to me. That's where the meaning lie's for me. Remember how in my last post I said I knew how not to let a good thing go? That part was true. It's how not to scare things away before they go is what I've been learning and (still ) need to learn how NOT to do. Yelling is how I test things to see or try to see if those I care about will leave, it's something I've had to tell myself time and time again. Some of it has to do with a messy up-bringing and some just has to do with my own demons wanting to fight any good thing that they feel have been around longer then they felt comfortable with. Ignoring what my head and my heart are saying is not possible. If it works for you that's awesome! But I have a heart that speaks louder then my head and it's just not me to not listen to my heart first and my head second....even if that means I make a million mistakes before I can get one right.