Monday, July 21, 2014

No sleep till....?

Music: "Waiting for superman" Daughtry

Evening folks, lets see...I've just been turned down for the umpteenth time by a guy I could finally see something with other then my ex. He deals with depression which is one of the reasons I could see something with him, it caught up with him for the first time in a long time over the past few days, I feel so awful for him, I really do. But I don't have any choice but to leave if you push away, I can't risk that again for myself. I have to find who want's to help me and vice vrsa. Then talking with a new online friend of mine this evening who lost someone, I feel so much of the pain she feels as well, I know it's not much, but knowing I'll never really know my twin sister (See old posts) never fails to hit home when I hear someone's going through that kind of a loss, it's my biggest loss of my life. There are just times I just want to know her and wonder if she and I would have really understood each other.....Again, I'm just saying what's on my mind, but I'm really wondering why the hell I'm not enough right now? I hear all the time how I'm nice, funny, etc....but why do these guys I talk with, my ex included not see that too? I mean it's not like I think I'm the best thing ever, but I do know I'm worth something.....My point is I guess, we're just dealing right now, and I'm the last to say this, but pain can be good sometimes ladies and gentleman.

Keep Reading,
Jess. 

Friday, July 4, 2014

Love me now.....

Music: "Watch me" Paul McDonald & Nikki Reed

"If you don't love me now, why would you ever love me?" Lyrics that seem so fitting for me.....I'm sitting here writing to you thinking about nothing and everything, once again with nothing but my computer lighting the way and my feelings flowing though my fingers. Tired and anxiety ridden no less. sleep lets my mind rest, lets my body breath, and stops pain if only for just a moment. In waking hours I just coast through it all, while pain builds and bleeds through my skin.....dating has left me raw and strong at the same time. I give small parts of myself to strangers hoping they'll want to fill the missing ones....it leaves me strong when those parts are returned. What parts do I give today? Tomorrow? And to whom do I give them to? Well, that's all up to you isn't it? Trad for something borrowed or something new? I have everything and nothing to give you, I'm in a free fall just wanting to hit bottom.....to feel the earth against my back. To feel warm again. Maybe even safe again? Sleeping beauty had it easy, to dream until her dreams were gone and she didn't have to dream anymore. Wanting for nothing and waiting for no one. 

Keep Reading,
Jess.