Sunday, October 19, 2014

Closed off.....

A few days ago I was dumped, (again) and that led me to admit something to myself that I didn't want to. I also admitted this to my sister who was witnessing this admission and also very large breakdown I was having. She gave me the advice to act on said admission, I did. I opened a very old and dusty door to a part of my life I've grieved over for years. What I found when I opened the door again was nothing like I'd thought I'd find. Instead of what I thought would be anger, I was met with what I've been dealing with throughout my whole dating experience......silence. Silence is the one thing that breaks any love I've ever had. I almost wish I'd done this years ago, I could have saved myself from MASSIVE amounts of pain....I'm beginning to find that it's not love I'm afraid of that might hurt me, I'm afraid of the silence that's been hiding behind everything I've ever loved. I'm sitting here wondering how on earth I could have ever been so stupid as to think for one second the silence wasn't waiting in the shadows. Always listen to your gut too, when it tells you something is wrong it is. Opening that door was wrong. But now that door doesn't exist in my life anymore, and the memories that were behind it went along with it. In that silence the full five years of my life I'd wanted so badly to get back did just that. They came back. The rejection I've felt with this door is gone. It's just gone. It's finally dead and buried. It's almost laughable the weightless feeling that's been put in it's place. (I'm writing these words at the exact time they're hitting me btw) I DON'T HAVE TO CARE ABOUT YOU!!! Now, the silence from the guy's I've met in my life is another story entirely. But my god, if the realization that I don't have to care anymore doesn't feel like the best thing in the world, then I don't know what does?! 

So, like always I say, Keep Reading, 
and THE END.
Jess.

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