Friday, November 28, 2014

Risky......

Music: Spotify mix

So, here's where my head is at right now, I can't say my will power is completely gone, but it's not as strong as it once was. I'm not saying I can or want to go out and do whatever the hell I want, but lately I've just been tired. Tired of being twenty two and having never lived. I remember all to well what it's like to be closed off and alone. I'm still in that place. But I want to be risky, I want to feel what it's like to act my age, to breathe. I never feel as though I breathe deeply anymore, like something is just keeping the breathe inside my lungs. I'm probably setting myself up for years worth of therapy, but I want to just let go for awhile....see what might be.

Keep Reading,
Jess.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Faith, doubt, self worth, and love.....

Music:  "I Hate To See Your Heart Break" Paramore ft: Joy Williams/ "The Heart Wants What It Wants" Selena Gomez

It's a funny thing, when you've spent your life knowing that at any given moment the "other foot" will drop. But years later the way the foot drops I never see coming.....I wonder if we ever get to a place where we stop questioning our self worth? "The beds gettin cold and your not here." I need to start looking for someone who makes good armor, my heart could use an upgrade.

Keep Reading,
Jess.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Six months wiser......

Music: "Clean" Taylor Swift, "1989"

Six months ago, my life blossomed. Six months ago I learned to fight for what I want. Six months ago someone saw me. Six months ago I felt what it was like to be a "teenager." Six months ago I learned what it was like to live. Six months ago you walked into my world. Six months ago you walked out of it. This is a post about a girl who, six months ago didn't understand what it really meant to feel. "Please. Don't flatter yourself, your not the only one this heart has ever felt." You branded my skin. Forever with me. But your ghost is less haunting now, only whispers are left for me to feel. I still revisit that night. And it still kills me inside. But when I fought, I felt free. It feels good to know that I did, somehow make you see what you were losing. If I saw you today, what would I say? Do you regret it? Did I burn your skin too? What was it worth to you? So many questions, but if I saw you today?.....I can say that I cloud walk past you without a second glance. I'm not the same girl as when you last saw me. Shes wiser now, understands what she wants.....and that isn't you.

"Ten months sober I must admit, just because your clean don't mean you don't miss it."

Keep reading,
Jess.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Choices....

Music: "Flawed Roses book playlist" (Spotify)

"Though he's gone it's still hard to move on." Well, I've painted my nails black. Whether I just wanted to be "Chic" or I'm just in an off mood remains to be seen I guess. Choices. Their everywhere, right? What we do with them can make us or break us. Lately a good amount of my choices seem to be leaving me in the middle of the make or break part. I really haven't landed on either side. It's exhausting to be honest. I'm a "Black or white" kind of girl, as my Mom would say. I don't like just floating around waiting to see what outcome will define the path I take next. It's left me a nervous wreck, full of anxiety at every turn. Literally bouncing off the walls. My heart and thoughts race each other, desperate to see the finish line. I can't get a good grasp on myself, it's beyond frighting sometimes. I think it's time to go back "inside myself" as I say, and leave the world to figure out my place in it on it's own. My writing (hence this post) and books are calling to me right now, and it's about time I pick up....

Keep Reading,
Jess.